Turning 50, half a century into my journey, is a time to reflect. What did I learn so far?
I vividly recall my parents turning 50 and thinking. “WOW, they are old!” Now I have arrived at this milestone and have come to a few realizations since that reaction. Below are my Top Ten.
This thing called life is a journey. There is no destination
I never get to say, “Now I have arrived. I have it figured out.” This is both invigorating and frustrating. I also found books have a lot of answers and insights for each step of the way. My reading has evolved from mostly fiction to mostly non-fiction these days. My definition of success continually changes. I originally set out to be independent. Then I wanted a role where I was respected and that allowed me to be financially secure. Then I wanted to be a good wife and mom and friend TOO. Then I also really wanted new challenges and learning. And in these most recent years, I am circling back to autonomy, although in a different form, as well as making a positive impact in the world that is measured a person at a time.
What is most important is relationships with family and friends
Getting cancer at 37 reminded me in a way nothing else really can. But the reminders are there every time I get knocked down and fail or am lost about something. What pulls me through and gives me perspective is my family (which includes friends who have become family) and amazing people who have joined me on part of my journey and they come from all the different facets of my life.
Getting to know myself truly, deeply, is hard
Lying to myself is a lot easier. This can take the form of making an excuse for a failure, blaming someone while not taking responsibility for my part, or not pushing myself to be the best person I know I can be with effort. Not examining the uglier parts of me honestly seems right at the time but is so wrong.
Being kind to myself is even harder
The voices in my head are constantly telling me all the ways I have failed. I put on weight, I forgot something, I am not the mother, wife, friend etc. I should be, I am getting older and used to look better, my career isn’t as illustrious as some . . and the list goes on. I am getting better at consciously being aware and balancing those voices with more reasonable ones. But this never comes easy to me.
I don’t feel grown up or old or wise
I thought I would have gotten to that place in my head by now. But turns out, I did not. My dad said something similar at his 50th wedding anniversary party, “I don’t know how this happened.” And my 19 year old son asked me recently, “If I am supposed to be grown up now, why don’t I feel different.” Both are comments I have made myself. I feel the same inside as when I was younger and am surprised at the face that looks back at me from the mirror sometimes.
Learning is a constant
Everyone I meet has the opportunity to teach me and learn from me. I have a few more lessons to share at this stage, many coming from failures or stumbles, but am still on a steep learning curve myself. My kids have been a source of huge growth and understanding. From learning about the other gender from the view of my boys at each stage of their development or learning about race and adoption from my little girl from East Africa. My husband also is another source of revelation. We generally take an opposite approach on most everyday issues. Our kids know which parent to ask for which issue. His view provides me the chance to examine what seems natural to me to see if the opposite also has something good to offer.
Impact is what matters most
Whether it be the impact in my role at work, the impact as a parent in my kids’ lives, or my impact through writing and my not for profit work in the larger world. I want what I do to matter in some positive, sustainable way. Impacting one person is a real way is so powerful. And the way to unlock that is to tell them which I try to do and thank people if they are kind enough to share I positively impacted them.
Being present, not trapped in the past or reaching for the future, is challenging, focused work
I like my lists and plans; they give me stability and security. I also like to replay what didn’t work and what hurt my feelings. But being in the present and letting each moment linger and then pass without judgment or expectation is tough stuff. I saw a lovely humming bird the morning of my birthday whose wings beat furiously just to hover calmly in the air. That action reminds me of the effort it takes me to stay present.
Experiences are more precious than things
And I am someone who really likes beautiful things. I have collected all sorts of lovely pieces of art of all kinds from around the globe. I could never afford them growing up so I enjoyed being able to do so more freely when I became an adult. But as I contemplate the next chapters, creating memories with loved ones or alone, are what I want most.
As I start this next decade, I am excited to see what is ahead for me. Each one has been better than the last. And I fully expect the evolution of me will continue.
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